SELF PITY

I haven't posted in a few days because, well, quite frankly, I've been wallowing in self pity.

As you know, I've taught Jazzercise for a while and it's one of the great joys in my life. I've met some of my best friends at Jazzercise and it gives me great joy to be able to movivate people. It fills my need to be "in control" and it lets me dance, which I love to do!

However, since around Memorial Day, I've had some issues with my knees (the right one especially). I took a couple months off from teaching per doctor's orders and I had a series of liquid cartilage injections in my right knee. It was better for a while and I started teaching again. At first everything seemed fine. But the last few weeks, I've noticed my knees progressively getting worse. My Jazzercise instructor fees were due 10/31. I put off going back to the doctor as long as I could, because I think I knew what they would say. We have to teach Jazzercise at about 90-95% high impact. Teaching a lot of low impact is simply not allowed.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and they confirmed that continuing to teach at the level I need to would only continue to aggravate my knee condition. Therefore, I resigned as an instructor. It was one of the most heart wrenching decisions I've made in a long, long time. I cried all day Wednesday. I even had to take the day off from work (which, if you know me, never happens...this was the first time I've called in sick to work in over a year!)

I have a lot of regrets about this decision.

(1) I will miss the students. I have so many students who are at my class every week just like clockwork! I will miss being on that stage and seeing them smile! I will miss being able to motivate them.

(2) I will miss the control. Most people don't like to admit it, but I don't mind. I like being in control. I liked being on the stage. It fulfilled my need to perform! I liked putting my set together and having the class flow the way I liked it!

(3) I will miss dancing! Yes, I'll still be able to do low impact. But, I love high impact! I've always been a high-impact gal!

(4) I will miss the friendships. Over the past couple of years, my life has changed a lot! I'm so happy in my marriage and homelife now! I'm working fulltime (which I hadn't done up until 3 years ago). I don't get to "go out" with my friends the way I used to - my life and circumstances have just changed. I can't be out late at night and still be able to get up and go to work the next day. Financially, I'm just not able to do the things I used to - and that's ok! I'm so much more fulfilled now.

But, it seems that Jazzercise is basically the only link I have with my friends lately. We still see each other - but now only occasionally and usually it's a Jazzercise function. More often than not, I'm not a part of the activities and functions they attend.

I fear that now that I'm not an instructor that I'll totally lose touch with the friends who I used to be so close to. That makes me so unhappy and sad. I can't afford to attend as a student. So, I'm hoping for the best and I hope (beyond hope) that my fears are not justified.

So, I've given myself through this weekend to wallow in self pity. I'm eating what I want. I'm not worrying about the fact that I've gained weight. I'm just going to wallow. We're playing scary music tonight in our garage for Halloween. We're going to have a wonderful weekend.

Then, on Monday...I'm sucking it up and I'm going to get myself in the best shape of my life. I'm going to eat healthier and I'm going to do some type of exercise every day! Things will be good...I'm very determined!

I love my husband who has been so supportive of me through this. He only wants what's best for me and that mean's so much! Thanks Chris!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Happy Halloween!